Monthly Archives: May 2015

WASHINGTON, DC - SEPTEMBER 14:  (L-R) Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) holds a news conference to introduce new legislation they said will safeguard Social Security September 14, 2011 in Washington, DC. The proposed legislation will raise the cap on the payroll tax for people making more than $250,000, Sanders said, and would ensure the viability of Social Security for the next 75 years.  (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

 

Quote of the Week:

 

“Men and women – both are losers.”

 

– Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, above, in a 1972 essay that for some reason has come back to haunt him.

 

 

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Granny

 

The New York Times heralds the return of “granny panties” as a fashion statement — prompting thousands of wary readers to picture The Old Gray Lady in granny panties.

 

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Looks like a super week to go to the movies!

 

Stellar

 

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The Queen of Puny Peckers

 

Definition

 

Last week we ran a picture of Smallest Penis in Brooklyn mastermind Aimee Arciuolo. We can’t seem to get enough of her, so this week we run another picture. And another.

 

Aimee Arciuolo

 

Aimee on the genesis of the pageant:

“I had an exceptionally fun and amazing romp with a man who was less than endowed—it [his sex organ] was actually shockingly tiny, like the size of an acorn. He came right out and said, ‘Yes, I know, I’ve got a little pecker. But don’t you worry, we are going to have fun.’ And it was great! That guy seriously smashed it UP in the bedroom.”  – Gothamist

 

Aimee Arciuolo 2

 

Aimee on sex with a small man:

“There are two types of guys on the smaller side. The first is extremely awkward. The sex involves putting pillows under the butt to help the angle. But it’s still hard to feel anything. It’s a quick smack-smack-smack-smack-smack. Then the guy usually gets up and runs away in shame.” The other type, she continues, involves “creative guys who know how to use their hands, guys who are silly. I was talking to the girls about this one night, and we said, ‘We should have a pageant for these guys!’” — Playboy

 

And one more shot of Aimee, measuring manhood at the tiny-pecker pageant. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.

 

Aimee Arciuolo3

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Letterman1        Letterman2

 

Top Ten Reasons It Was (Past) Time for Letterman to Go:

 

Number 10:  “Holyfield won the fight, and it’s not the first time Romney’s been knocked out by a black guy.”

 

That’s from Letterman’s monologue on Monday. By then, the same joke about the fight between Evander Holyfield and Mitt Romney, slightly modified, had been cracked numerous times by other comics on other shows. It was indicative of the Late Show for years now: stale, phone-it-in material.

 

Staff

 

Number 9:  Letterman’s staff read his Top Ten List on Monday — and there was just one young person in the group.  (No, the lone youngster was not a female intern.) This might explain why the Late Show’s material was so dated: None of the staff knew how to use Twitter.

 

Number 8:  Paul Shaffer was the lamest talk-show sidekick, ever. Relying on Shaffer for clever comments was like relying on Tom Hanks to bring an air of freshness to your show.

 

Number 7:  No more Alan Kalter.

 

OK, so this is only a Top Four List. Like Letterman’s writers, I’ve run out of gas.

 

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Quote of the Week:

 

From The Independent:

 

“Louis CK – real name Louis Szekely – has made a name for himself with his edgy comedy.  The award-winning comic often jokes about drugs, poo, women and death.”

 

I dunno. If I were a woman I wouldn’t be too thrilled about being lumped into the same category with drugs, poo, and death — edgy or not.

 

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Under the Dumb

 

What’s with all of these shows about mysterious doings in sealed-off small towns? Judging from the dullness of Under the Dome, Wayward Pines, and Netflix’s Between, it’s a “high concept” that needs to be deep-sixed.

 

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Feminists whining about a rape scene in Game of Thrones are like me watching the Lifetime network and then complaining about the lack of car chases and shoot ‘em ups.

 

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They are having another Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant in June. Below is a picture of the woman who created the contest and who also serves as a judge, which has her measuring the men’s wieners with a ruler. For the life of me, I don’t understand how all of those little peckers can remain little in her presence. Or maybe they don’t.

 

Arciuolo

Aimee Arciuolo will measure your manhood (click picture to enlarge)

 

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Babs

 

Lawns

 

Daily Mail

 

The New York Post busted Hollywood stars who didn’t get the e-mail about California’s drought.

Lesson: You can’t fine big shots and expect them to change their behavior. You can’t fine Tom Brady and expect him to stop cheating. You can’t fine Barbra Streisand and expect her to stop watering. And you can’t fine Big Business when it screws the consumer. Fines are chump change to them. You have to try something else, like suspensions, shaming, or jail.

 

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Speaking of non-forthcoming celebrities, George Clooney showed up to help David Letterman celebrate his last week on CBS. Disappointingly, newlywed George did not share with us what it’s like to have amal sex.

 

AmalSex

 

 

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Uncle1

 

I Don’t Know What The Hell These Shows Are:

 

When I was 10 years old, NBC canceled The Man from U.N.C.L.E. This so upset me that I wrote a letter to the network, pleading with The Powers That Be (T.P.T.B.) to reconsider and resurrect my favorite playboy spies, Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin. NBC, bless its heart, actually wrote back to me. Sadly, their message was basically, “tough luck, kid.”

Times have changed. The networks announced a slew of cancellations this week and … yawn. Either I haven’t watched these shows, or I have and they suck.

 

I Don’t Know Who The Hell These People Are:

 

I check in with TMZ periodically because it’s my job to keep up with celebrity gossip. Somebody has to do it. But … these people are celebrities? Second-rate rappers and reality-TV stars?

Times have changed. Either that or I’m just too damn old and need a nap … yawn.

 

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“Make no mistake.”

 

– Politicians, please stop saying this. Hillary used this expression last week. I’ve heard Obama use it, and I’ve heard Republicans use it. Stop it. It reminds everyone of Bush, who used to say it all the time. You don’t want to remind people of Bush.

 

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Well, this happened:

 

Fey

 

*****

 

Uncle2

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by Agatha Christie

Crooked

 

Agatha Christie created some of the most memorable protagonists in mystery-novel history. But her secondary characters, including the villains, tend to be interchangeable from one book to the next. When an episode of Poirot that I first watched years ago plays again on TV, I can never recall “who done it,” because none of the characters stick to my memory. This isn’t the case in Crooked House, one of Christie’s personal favorites among her novels (writing it was “pure pleasure,” she said). I guarantee that even if you’re able to guess the identity of the culprit, you won’t soon forget him – or her.

 

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The Trap

Trap

 

Mladen and his wife Marija are young professionals living in Belgrade, where they rent a small apartment, drive a beat-up Renault and raise their 8-year-old son. When the boy is diagnosed with a potentially fatal heart condition, his desperate father considers desperate means to pay for an expensive operation. The Trap begins as a Strangers on a Train-type thriller (“you solve my problem, I’ll solve yours”) but it’s most effective as an absorbing riddle:  How far would you go to save your child?  Release:  2007  Grade: B+

 

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The Last Days

Last

 

A moderately compelling thriller from Spain about an environmental plague that wipes out humans – except for the people who stay indoors, where the transportation system consists of rat-infested sewers and thug-patrolled subways. Days contains a few silly scenes, but it also has some good ones. The filmmakers were smart enough to realize that if we care about the characters, which we do, we won’t snicker (too much) when they get attacked by … oh, say a bear in a church. Release: 2013  Grade:  B-

 

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Orioles

 

Scratch That – The Week (Not) in Review

 

Sometimes we write entries for this page and then events conspire to make what we’ve written a load of crap. So we have to scratch those entries. For example …

 

What we wrote:

I’m warming to Inside Amy Schumer, which is the TV-show equivalent of someone farting in an elevator:  vulgar and juvenile, but also very funny.

 

Scratch that:

I just watched the most recent episode of Inside Amy Schumer, and although it wasn’t overly vulgar, it also wasn’t very funny.

 

 

What we wrote:

This Orioles-White Sox game without fans was no big deal to the Minnesota Twins, who often play in empty stadiums.

 

Scratch that:

We wrote that on Wednesday.  Since then, every Tom, Dick and Harry with an Internet connection has cracked the same joke about whatever lame team they happen to follow.

 

 

Objectivity

 

What we wrote:

Once upon a time, journalists at least pretended to be objective about the powerful people they cover, rather than tweet like giggly schoolgirls at a One Direction concert.

 

Uh, no need to scratch this one.

 

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Quote of the Week:

 

“He literally flew to Belgium to find wood for our kitchen, and he flew to Fiji once to get fabric. Like, he’ll fly all over the world just to find the best furniture, fabrics, architects. He’s really, really into it.”

— Kim Kardashian telling Jimmy Kimmel about her husband’s house-decorating obsession.  Nice to know that, on top of their other contributions to society, Kim and Kanye are being careful to leave a small carbon footprint.

 

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Pearls of Twitter Wisdom:

 

Flo

 

Capture

 

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Wiig

 

Funny lady Kristen Wiig, 40, walks buck naked through a crowded casino (above) in her new film, Welcome to Me. Could be a good career move by Kristen. When funny lady Mary Steenburgen walked buck naked through a crowded bar (below) in Melvin and Howard, she won an Oscar.

 

Mary

 

On the other hand, when funny lady Sarah Silverman, 40, took a buck naked shower (below right) in Take This Waltz …. no Oscars. Just a lot of horny males.

 

Sarah

 

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