Hugh Hefner finally traded in his pajamas and pipe for – something. Probably not a harp. The geriatric germinator passed away appropriately on “hump day,” thereby inspiring much nostalgia and a million bad jokes on Twitter.
To me, Hugh Hefner was a lot like booze, particularly in my younger days: He was (partly) responsible for the best of times, but also (partly) responsible for the worst of times. If you were a teenage whippersnapper in the 1970s, Hefner and his magazine made you want to grow up fast — or worse, not grow up at all.
My favorite Hefner squeeze was Barbi Benton. Benton was on the cover of the first Playboy magazine I was able to successfully purchase, in the winter of 1970, when a bored cashier at Dayton’s didn’t seem to care that the 12-year-old, nervous boy in front of him was shaking like Colin Kaepernick in a VFW hall.
Here is the cover of my prized possession. That’s the bodacious Ms. Benton giving you the come-hither:
Below, Barbi frolics on the grounds of Hefner’s Playboy mansion in California. Below that, a clip of her appearance in 1982’s Hospital Massacre, for which she was nominated for an Academy Award. Just kidding.
“This is an island, surrounded by water. Big water, ocean water.”
– Donald Trump discussing Puerto Rico
That’s something you have to admire about President Trump. He has the ability to take complex ideas and describe them in terms that all of us can understand.
Well, if that had been true, it might explain a thing or two.
While I was mourning Hugh Hefner’s death, I began to muse about some other heroes of my misbegotten youth, and I wondered about the first and best James Bond, Sean Connery. I Googled him and discovered the following “news” items:
Poor Sean Connery. Internet hoaxters wouldn’t have had the balls to pull this kind of crap back in the day.
Killings is a compilation of true-crime accounts that Trillin wrote for The New Yorker, primarily in the 1970s and 1980s, about murders in the country’s heartland. Murder is an inherently interesting subject, and Trillin admirably fleshes out the lives of otherwise-unremarkable people caught up in horrific circumstances, but perhaps because we are by now accustomed to books and movies that spare no gruesome detail, Killings’s less-sensationalistic stories can feel sedate, at times almost quaint. As you read them they hold your interest, but you might not recall any of them six months later.
Julie Chen: “Congratulations Cody! You’re America’s favorite houseguest and you’re going home with $25,000! Anything to say, Cody?”
Cody: (pauses and shakes head) “It doesn’t make sense.”
Poor Weiner and Bush. Weiner and Bush should get together to commiserate. I mean, Weiner and Bush would make a good team. I mean … oh, never mind.
James Clapper might have lied again? Say it ain’t so!
In case you missed it, here’s a link to Lawrence O’Donnell’s stirring rant about hammers, Labor Day, and things that go bump in the night.
Lawrence now joins Peter Finch and Bill O’Reilly in the canon of hilarious temper tantrums forever preserved on YouTube.
In these Days of Trump, everyone has an opinion about the media. If you’re interested in watching a movie about the press at its best – and at its worst – check out a largely forgotten gem from 2003 called Shattered Glass.
We don’t know if these daring dads and their darling daughters are A) artistically uninhibited; B) sexually perverted; or C) some combination of the above, but we do know that it’s not every day that papa films his progeny in the buff — and then shares the lust-provoking results with the world.
Katrine Boorman & director John Boorman
“A lot of people ask me, well, ‘How did you feel about directing your daughter being raped?’ Well, she wasn’t being raped of course. It was just a scene. She didn’t mind, and nor did I.” – John Boorman on Excalibur’s director’s commentary
“I’ve always said that once you’ve been raped by Gabriel Byrne and Corin Redgrave in armor, watched by your father, you’ll never look back.” – Katrine Boorman in The Independent
“So I was doing the scene with John Boorman’s daughter Katrine, who was playing my wife, and I was supposed to make love to her in quite a violent fashion. Anyway, I made love to Katrine in the wide shot, doing my grunting and groaning and all those medieval sexual shenanigans. Then they came in for the close shot.”– Gabriel Byrne.
Byrne’s turn humping Katrine was apparently left on the cutting-room floor; in the shots reproduced here, that’s Redgrave having his way with Boorman’s daughter.
Katrine didn’t just bare her breasts for daddy when she was 23; she went topless again at age 39 in 1997’s Le Bonheur est un mensonge (above left). In 2012, Katrine got behind the camera to make a documentary about her famous family called Me and Me Dad. Below, the infamous pumping scene from Excalibur:
Asia Argento & director Dario Argento
“Argento began performing for her father when she was a teenager, appearing in the nude as a 16-year-old in Trauma. She was also a rape victim in another of his films, The Stendhal Syndrome. Not surprisingly, these roles and their father-daughter relationship scandalized Italy. Argento has said that they are viewed in her native country like a real-life Addams Family – ghoulish and weird.” – New York Daily News
Now 41, Asia apparently still has a thing for older men. It was recently reported that she’s dating TV personality Anthony Bourdain, 61.
“How’s this, dad?” Sixteeen-year-old Asia in Trauma.
“I never acted out of ambition; I acted to gain my father’s attention. It took a long time for him to notice me – I started when I was nine, and he only cast me when I was 16. And he only became my father when he was my director.” – Asia Argento in Filmmaker Magazine
Above and below, Asia in Dracula 3D
In Dario’s The Phantom of the Opera, above and below, Asia gets taken doggie-style.
Alexis Vogel & photographer Ron Vogel
From Playboy’s February 1979 pictorial “Father Knows Best”:
“Photographer Ron Vogel has been snapping pictures of his daughter ever since she was a baby. At 21, she’s still his favorite model.”
“Over the years, Ron took ‘hundreds of pictures of Lexi in various states of undress. She has youth and vitality greater than most of the models I’ve worked with and her coloring is extraordinary; she has earthy tones and dark penetrating eyes.’”
Click on the thumbnail shots below for full-sized views of Ron’s full-frontal shots of Alexis.
“Lexi: ‘I was a ham. I’d try to get my dad’s attention away from the models … I never had any problems posing that way for my father.’”
“‘Posing nude for me throughout the years has made Lexi very free about herself,’ says Ron.”
Yes, James McAvoy is impressive playing a psycho with multiple personalities in M. Night Shyamalan’s latest “comeback” picture, the thriller Split. Problem is, McAvoy’s disturbing characters often seem like the only reason to keep watching the movie. The plot, in which McAvoy’s crazy man abducts three teenage girls and confines them in a basement, takes a decent premise and goes from clichéd to ridiculous to boring. Sorry, but this is hardly a return to form for Shyamalan. Release: 2017 Grade: C
The Edge of Seventeen
After enduring the first 20 minutes of this coming-of-age comedy-drama, I wasn’t sure if I could continue watching. Writer-director Kelly Fremon Craig’s script employed done-to-death voiceover narration, a la The Wonder Years, and worse, the protagonist was an incredibly bratty and vulgar teen. Eww. But then a funny thing happened on the way to study hall: The more our heroine was assailed by life’s slings and arrows, the more I grew to like her. By the end, I was cheering for her. Unlike so many teen-oriented movies, this one is smart, poignant, and boasts a winning performance from star Hailee Steinfeld. Release: 2016 Grade: B+
The Big Sick
The Big Sick has a lot going for it: It has heart, and it has endearing performances from writer-star Kumail Nanjiani and the supporting cast. Nanjiani plays a stand-up comedian of Pakistani descent who has to deal with his Muslim-traditional family and, after his WASP girlfriend lapses into a coma, her bickering parents.
Unfortunately, The Big Sick also has a Big Flaw. As the ailing girlfriend, Zoe Kazan is clearly intended to be spunky and lovable. But whenever her entitled, annoying character appeared on screen, I began to feel ill. Release: 2017 Grade: B-
Nice of Kevin Hart to donate $25,000 to Houston flood victims. Let’s do the math.
According to one source, Hart was worth $128 million in 2016.
$25,000 is .02 percent of $128,000,000.
If you earned $50,000 per year and gave .02 percent of your income, that’s ten bucks.
So Mr. Munificent donated the equivalent of … ten bucks.
George Romero died in July, and now Tobe Hooper has passed. I saw Romero’s Night of the Living Dead in a theater a few years after it premiered, and I saw Hooper’s The Texas Chain Saw Massacre not long after that.
Which was better? I liked Night of the Living Dead, but Chain Saw scared the piss out of me.
So let me get this straight: The creepy My Pillow guy shows up in a couple’s bedroom, uninvited and unexpected, and, instead of calling the police, the couple is happy to see him?
And the “t” in “often” should be silent — like this.
This week on Outnumbered, Kennedy was hell-bent on displaying her ignorance:
It’s been a while since we checked in with small-penis-pageant contestant Rip van Dinkle. We asked him to dig into his scrapbook to find some post-pageant mementos that he might share with us.
“It’s amazing,” Rip tells us, “how many gorgeous women who normally won’t give you the time of day, when they find out you’ll admit you have a tiny penis and that they can have a laugh at it — and a laugh at you — suddenly they are very interested in you.”
Unlike pot-bellied, mini-membered Rip, a lot of the women having a laugh at his expense are physical knockouts. They had a good look at Rip; let’s have a good look at them.
“You are obviously out and proud about your small penis”
Lawyer and penis connoisseur Madeleine Holden was not overly impressed with Rip’s manhood. “So your dick is small and you’re proud. Great,” Madeline wrote, with more than a touch of sarcasm. Here’s more from her Web site (Critique My Dick Pic), in which she rates dick pics from around the globe:
Luckily for her fans, Madeleine also posts selfies of herself:
The South American Journalist
“My editor preferred to hide the penis”
Brazilian reporter Anna Gabriela Ribeiro attended the 2015 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant and interviewed Rip for South American publications. Anna also played photojournalist, below, capturing Rip and the other contestants for her stories.
Some months after Anna interviewed Rip backstage in Brooklyn, Rip returned the favor and interviewed Anna:
Rip asked if it was challenging for her to interview a man (him) while his tiny penis was in full view.
Anna:I try to ignore all the awkward things around me while interviewing. But yes, it was a little bit awkward.
Rip asked if having a small sex organ is a source of embarrassment for South American men.
Anna:Yes definitely, it´s something men always feel embarrassed and sad about.
Rip asked why, in the pictures Anna took of him and then posted online, his genitals were obscured by a black bar (below right).
Anna:Well, I think on that time my editor preferred to hide the penis areas because [it] is a very popular media and they consider more respectful with the readers like that.
Rip tells us that, if she’s interested, he would very much enjoy tutoring Anna in English as a second language.
The Model from North Dakota
“I could fucking bite your dick off and eat it”
Model Jaye Millspaugh interviewed Rip for a short article. Excerpts from the interview:
“Rip van Dinkle traveled from his home to be hilariously ridiculed by female audience members half his age.”
Jaye: Holy fuck, dude you are tiny!
Jaye: I could fucking bite your dick off and eat it like candy.
Jaye: Well there’s no way you could fit inside me, let alone get me off!
Jaye: What makes you think you can pleasure me?
Jaye set aside her hostility long enough to pose with Rip for a short video in which the long-legged lass measured his junk.
Despite her insults, Rip is forgiving and describes Jaye as a “hot piece of ass.” Here’s a short video of Jaye displaying her goods in the California sunshine:
The Sketch Artist
“Do you want the teeny weeny showing?”
MiYon Kosloske-Richardson (above) is a sometime artist who jumped at the opportunity to immortalize Rips’ pageant shame. MiYon didn’t actually attend the event, but she found inspiration from pageant photos, including this full-frontal shot of Rip:
Click on the sketches below to see larger views of MiYon’s final work:
“Show us your dick!”
Podcaster/comedian Zoe Nightingale was anxious to attend the 2015 pageant. Per her Instagram page (below), Zoe found out about the teeny-weenie show by reading Time Out New York:
Judging from her podcast commentary (click below), Zoe didn’t get the anti-body-shaming memo:
If the contestants had looked at these pictures Zoe posted of herself on social media, there might not have been any tiny dicks for her to laugh at:
The Beauty from Trinidad
“Special thanks to Rip van Dinkle”
Broadcaster and sometime model Kimi McCarthy, above, interviewed Rip for her radio show in Trinidad:
Kimi: “When are you coming to Trinidad?”
Rip: “I wish I was there right now. I hear Trinidad is really beautiful. I know Kimi is really beautiful.”
Kimi: “You’re so sweet.”
Rip: “You need to organize a small-penis pageant in Trinidad … Kimi can be one of the judges.”
Kimi: “I don’t mind. It’s for a good cause.”
Kimi plugged the interview on social media:
After that, Rip discovered these videos and wanted to plug Kimi:
Have a look at Kimi — top and bottom — in the videos below:
The average male’s greatest fear confirmed: Feminists do like to humiliate men with small dicks. Meredith Landry, editor of the feminist Web site Role Reboot, asked Rip to write a first-person account about his prick and its exposure at the pageants. That’s Meredith pictured above.
The Village Voice spotlighted Rip in its end-of-year edition. That particular photo has certainly made the rounds.
The small-penis pageant was Time Out New York’s sixth-most-read story of the year. Writer Rebecca Fontana (above) didn’t want her readers to miss out on any of the pictures.
Pageant organizer Bobbie Chaset, pictured above in I Dream of Jeannie garb, seemed to feel that pageant contestant “Flo Rida,” above right, has a more impressive dick than poor Rip, above left.
The following exchange is from Bobbie’s interview on a Detroit radio station:
Host:Are you the emasculating woman who’s responsible for the smallest penis contest?
Bobbie:“If you’d like to say it that way, then yes.”
Bobbie:“He’s not as small as the rest of the guys” – comparing Flo Rida to Rip and the other contestants.
Gorgeous Asha Knish, pictured above, recognized a handsome pecker when she saw it, and just had to paint it for posterity:
OK, so that was a lie. In reality, Asha had a good belly-laugh when she saw poor Rip, far right in the photo below, posing next to some well-hung dudes.
Comments from Jezebel Readers
Dr. Naomi Mac enjoyed all the small-penis bashing on Facebook:
“Loving the comments here”
Anne Marie Benavides was disgusted by the pageant and its participants:
“Are we really surprised that these gentrifying hipsters are small dick bastards? I would’ve gone with dickless.”
Rip was impressed by the large number of African-American women attending the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageants.
So was podcaster Zoe Nightingale, who had a question for some of them:
“Are you here just to see a small white penis for the first time? I knew it – there are so many beautiful black people here to laugh at the white people.”
YouTube’s Titty Talk Show sent “our lady in the streets,” Bri’en Potter, pictured above and below, to interview contestants at the 2013 pageant:
Rip acquaintance Aleeya Michelle didn’t mince words after she evaluated his manhood on Skype:
“It is a puny white boy dick.”
“That is not a big pee-pee … that’s a pee.”
Seems only fair that since Aleeya had a look at Rip’s equipment, readers should have a look at hers:
Brokelyn writer-photographer Mary Dorn, above, covered the penis pageants in 2013 and 2014. Some excerpts from one of her stories:
And finally … it takes a special brand of woman to actually slide a ruler up alongside Rip’s dangling noodle.
Some guys might consider letting a woman measure their cock, take pictures of the humiliation, and then post the results for the entertainment of other women as rather a … shameful situation. Not Rip, who is philosophical: “If a lady is willing to get that up close and personal to my genitals and then play with them, photos are the price I’m willing to pay.”
Who prodded Rip with a ruler? Aimee Arciuolo, Cyndi Freeman, Amy Minnick, and Jaye Millspaugh.