April 2016 – The Grouchy Editor

30Apr

The Weekly Review: April 24 – 30

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“Congress wants to bail out Puerto Rico with Teresa’s retirement savings.” — Center for Individual Freedom ad, pictured above

Cool. Better Teresa than the rest of us.

*****

For some reason, BuzzFeed unleashed this horror upon the world:

*****

Either The Huffington Post is still looking for a few good proofreaders, or the term “red state” has been replaced by “orange country” in deference to Trump’s head.

*****

John Kasich is like the lump of dog turd that you simply cannot dislodge from the bottom of your tennis shoe, no matter how much you shake, scrape, or jiggle.

*****

If you’re looking for laughs, I recommend old episodes of Trigger Happy TV on YouTube. The creative genius behind this short-lived British series, Dom Joly (above), must be related to the knuckleheads on TruTV’s Impractical Jokers. Click here to visit the YouTube page.

*****

From time to time, The Grouch gets unsolicited requests to review low-budget movies. Sometimes the publicist making the request looks like this:

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(click on images for larger view)

Review your movie? Sure, Lauren, we’ll review your movie. Just as soon as we finish reviewing you.

*****

23Apr

The Weekly Review: April 17 – 23

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Everyone is upset about the passing of Prince – especially here in Minnesnowta. The Grouch, who lives just a few miles from the legendary First Avenue nightclub, and just a few miles from celebrated Paisley Park, had much in common with the famous musician.

Grouch and Prince were the same age, and they were born in the same city. The Grouch, like The Purple One, is often unctuous and narcissistic. Both men were partial to hanging out in Walgreens parking lots. They cheered for the same dreadful Minnesota sports teams, and both enjoyed intimate relationships with Vanity and Apollonia – although in Grouch’s case the women might not have been aware of it.

Grouch wants to do his part in easing all of us into the post-Prince era, and has therefore released his first album, pictured below.

*****

The Downside of Feminism

*****

Quote of the Week:

“I’d like close-ups of all the boys’ penises, please.” – Emilia Clarke, lamenting the lack of male nudity on Game of Thrones.

16Apr

The Weekly Review: April 10 – 16

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Clueless Quotes of the Week:

“I have three children now, under the age of four and a half, and it’s exhausting.” — Ivanka Trump, pictured above hard at work

Yes, I’m sure that with Ivanka’s lack of money and resources, childrearing is a real chore.

“We already tax them [the rich] enough. They’re paying more than their fair share of taxes.”

and

“We text in theaters all the time.”

– attorney Christi Kunzig on taxing the rich and texting in movie theaters and challenging Ivanka Trump for most obnoxious comments of the week

*****

I suppose I’m just getting old, nostalgic, and cranky, but Antenna TV has been airing old episodes of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, and I’m enjoying 1970s-‘80s Carson much more than the brown-nosing bunch of boobs hosting late-night shows today.

09Apr

The Weekly Review: April 3 – 9

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Idol Thoughts

I tuned in to the American Idol finale to see if I could remember why I was never much of a fan. It didn’t take long. The guy who won the final contest … just dreadful. You’d have to pay me to go watch him.

On the other hand, this Hung guy pictured above, now there’s a talent.

*****

If you read much Shakespeare, you come away with the impression that most human activity is motivated by our basest instincts; our hearts rule our heads. Hence, the following musings on the possible motivations of some prominent politicians — behavioral explanations you don’t often hear from political pundits:

George Bush invaded Iraq in large part because he wanted revenge on Saddam Hussein for the dictator’s attempt to assassinate Bush’s daddy.
Obama views most American citizens as spoiled children; thus, his speeches that sound like he’s losing patience and is lecturing us.
Hillary wants to prove to Bill that she can do a better job as president. Hillary resents Bill’s presidential philandering, and now expects his support.
Chris Christie got into politics because there are all those banquets and luncheons. Doesn’t matter if it’s a corn dog at the state fair or a thousand-dollar-per-plate fundraiser, sampling food is an essential part of a politician’s life.
Trump … I can’t figure out his motivation. Could be daddy issues or mommy issues. Somehow, I doubt that he’s in this race to make America great again for Joe the Plumber.
Despite his lovable-old-coot image, Bernie Sanders seems like one angry dude. Watch how difficult it is for him to muster a smile when someone cracks a joke.
John Kasich is not the “adult in the room.” He is one weird fucker who once blew up at a local Blockbuster Video for daring to stock the movie Fargo.

*****

Cable-news airheads keep mentioning the terrorist attack in “Brussel.” Did they stop teaching geography in schools?

*****

“You can’t win the Super Bowl unless you make some adjustments at halftime, right? That’s exactly what the Trump campaign is doing.” — Gloria Borger on CNN

Depends, Gloria. If you’re ahead by 40 points or if you’re playing the Minnesota Vikings, I’d say go ahead and just keep on doing what you’ve been doing.

08Apr

Reviews in Short: April 2016

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Trainwreck

Comedian-screenwriter Amy Schumer and director Judd Apatow try to please fans of modern gross-out humor — the twist is that, these days, it’s more often the girls than the boys who are delivering the gross-outs — and lovers of more traditional, fairy-tale romantic comedies with this movie about a cynical party animal (Schumer) who falls for a nerdy sports doctor (Bill Hader). The end product is a bit uneven, but the film’s heart is in the right place, its characters are likeable, and there are enough funny bits to make for an enjoyable two hours. Release: 2015 Grade: B

**

Dark

This psychological thriller about a New York model’s gradual descent into madness bears a strong resemblance to Repulsion, the 1965 classic from director Roman Polanski. But following an opening, steamy sex scene between stars Whitney Able and Alexandra Breckenridge, Dark’s slow-burn suspense dwindles to a snail’s pace, taking a long time to reach the climax. On the plus side, Able is quite good as the paranoid model, and it’s refreshing to absorb horror that takes place in the mind rather than in some blood-spattered setting. Release: 2015 Grade: B-

02Apr

The Weekly Review: March 27 – April 2

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“She’s so hot, she’s the leading cause of global warming.”

– The host of Red Eye introducing former Miss New York Joanne Nosuchinsky, pictured above.

*****

Politics!

I think hatred for Donald Trump has caused the entire staff of The Huffington Post to take leave of its senses. Someone at the Post has apparently issued an edict to writers that every story, no matter how trivial or innocuous, must contain the reporter’s opinion. If the story is about Trump, he must be decried as the devil incarnate.

**

No matter whom you support in this election – Bernie or Donald or Hillary or Ted – it would be nice if we could all agree that the way both parties are trying to rig their nominations stinks to high heaven. What’s the point of having citizens vote if a handful of D.C. hotshots pick the winning candidates? And isn’t it about time we rotated the schedule of state caucuses and primaries? I’m tired of ceding so much power to Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina.

*****

The best dumb blonde working today is a brunette: Fox News’s Joanne Nosuchinsky. Unlike other Barbie Dolls on cable news, Nosuchinsky doesn’t resist the dumb-blonde stereotype; she embraces it.

Sexist comment of the week occurred when the Red Eye panel discussed the unconventional casting of Broadway plays like Hamilton. Joanne didn’t object, she played along:

Tom Shillue: “Somebody who’s watching Joanne, they’re scribbling out a treatment for an all-female Revolutionary War [play].”

Rob Long: “We hope that’s what they’re scribbling. We never really know what they’re doing when they’re watching Joanne at home. I’m on Twitter, I see what happens on Twitter.”

Nosuchinsky: “Oh, no, you’re giving them ideas! Fix my skirt.” (adjusts her skirt)

Below, Nosuchinsky in her beauty-pageant days:

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