Using the pseudonym “J.D. Hawkens” (long story), Rip van Dinkle penned the following article for Maxim about the inaugural Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant in 2013:
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It’s been a while since we checked in with small-penis-pageant contestant Rip van Dinkle. We asked him to dig into his scrapbook to find some post-pageant mementos that he might share with us.
“It’s amazing,” Rip tells us, “how many gorgeous women who normally won’t give you the time of day, when they find out you’ll admit you have a tiny penis and that they can have a laugh at it — and a laugh at you — suddenly they are very interested in you.”
Unlike pot-bellied, mini-membered Rip, a lot of the women having a laugh at his expense are physical knockouts. They had a good look at Rip; let’s have a good look at them.
“You are obviously out and proud about your small penis”
Lawyer and penis connoisseur Madeleine Holden was not overly impressed with Rip’s manhood. “So your dick is small and you’re proud. Great,” Madeline wrote, with more than a touch of sarcasm. Here’s more from her Web site (Critique My Dick Pic), in which she rates dick pics from around the globe:
Luckily for her fans, Madeleine also posts selfies of herself:
The South American Journalist
“My editor preferred to hide the penis”
Brazilian reporter Anna Gabriela Ribeiro attended the 2015 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant and interviewed Rip for South American publications. Anna also played photojournalist, below, capturing Rip and the other contestants for her stories.
Some months after Anna interviewed Rip backstage in Brooklyn, Rip returned the favor and interviewed Anna:
Rip asked if it was challenging for her to interview a man (him) while his tiny penis was in full view.
Anna: I try to ignore all the awkward things around me while interviewing. But yes, it was a little bit awkward.
Rip asked if having a small sex organ is a source of embarrassment for South American men.
Anna: Yes definitely, it´s something men always feel embarrassed and sad about.
Rip asked why, in the pictures Anna took of him and then posted online, his genitals were obscured by a black bar (below right).
. Before After
Anna: Well, I think on that time my editor preferred to hide the penis areas because [it] is a very popular media and they consider more respectful with the readers like that.
Rip tells us that, if she’s interested, he would very much enjoy tutoring Anna in English as a second language.
The Model from North Dakota
“I could fucking bite your dick off and eat it”
Model Jaye M. interviewed Rip for a short article. Excerpts from the interview:
“Rip van Dinkle traveled from his home to be hilariously ridiculed by female audience members half his age.”
Jaye: Holy fuck, dude you are tiny!
Jaye: I could fucking bite your dick off and eat it like candy.
Jaye: Well there’s no way you could fit inside me, let alone get me off!
Jaye: What makes you think you can pleasure me?
Jaye set aside her hostility long enough to pose with Rip for a short video in which the long-legged lass measured his junk.
Despite her insults, Rip is forgiving and describes Jaye as a “hot piece of ass.” Here’s a short video of Jaye displaying her goods in the California sunshine:
The Sketch Artist
“Do you want the teeny weeny showing?”
MiYon Kosloske-Richardson (above) is a sometime artist who jumped at the opportunity to immortalize Rips’ pageant shame. MiYon didn’t actually attend the event, but she found inspiration from pageant photos, including this full-frontal shot of Rip:
Click on the sketches below to see larger views of MiYon’s final work:
“Show us your dick!”
Podcaster/comedian Zoe Nightingale was anxious to attend the 2015 pageant. Per her Instagram page (below), Zoe found out about the teeny-weenie show by reading Time Out New York:
Judging from her podcast commentary (click below), Zoe didn’t get the anti-body-shaming memo:
If the contestants had looked at these pictures Zoe posted of herself on social media, there might not have been any tiny dicks for her to laugh at:
The Beauty from Trinidad
“Special thanks to Rip van Dinkle”
Broadcaster and sometime model Kimi McCarthy, above, interviewed Rip for her radio show in Trinidad:
Kimi: “When are you coming to Trinidad?”
Rip: “I wish I was there right now. I hear Trinidad is really beautiful. I know Kimi is really beautiful.”
Kimi: “You’re so sweet.”
Rip: “You need to organize a small-penis pageant in Trinidad … Kimi can be one of the judges.”
Kimi: “I don’t mind. It’s for a good cause.”
Kimi plugged the interview on social media:
After that, Rip discovered these videos and wanted to plug Kimi:
Have a look at Kimi — top and bottom — in the videos below:
The average male’s greatest fear confirmed: Feminists do like to humiliate men with small dicks. Meredith Landry, editor of the feminist Web site Role Reboot, asked Rip to write a first-person account about his prick and its exposure at the pageants. That’s Meredith pictured above.
The Village Voice spotlighted Rip in its end-of-year edition. That particular photo has certainly made the rounds.
The small-penis pageant was Time Out New York’s sixth-most-read story of the year. Writer Rebecca Fontana (above) didn’t want her readers to miss out on any of the pictures.
Pageant organizer Bobbie Chaset, pictured above in I Dream of Jeannie garb, seemed to feel that pageant contestant “Flo Rida,” above right, has a more impressive dick than poor Rip, above left.
The following exchange is from Bobbie’s interview on a Detroit radio station:
Host: Are you the emasculating woman who’s responsible for the smallest penis contest?
Bobbie: “If you’d like to say it that way, then yes.”
Bobbie: “He’s not as small as the rest of the guys” – comparing Flo Rida to Rip and the other contestants.
Gorgeous “Sara,” pictured above, recognized a handsome pecker when she saw one, and just had to paint Rip’s for posterity:
OK, so that was a lie. In reality, Sara had a good belly-laugh when she saw poor Rip, far right in the photo below, posing next to some well-hung dudes.
Comments from Jezebel Readers
Dr. Naomi Mac enjoyed all the small-penis bashing on Facebook:
“Loving the comments here”
Anne Marie Benavides was disgusted by the pageant and its participants:
“Are we really surprised that these gentrifying hipsters are small dick bastards? I would’ve gone with dickless.”
Rip was impressed by the large number of African-American women attending the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageants.
So was podcaster Zoe Nightingale, who had a question for some of them:
“Are you here just to see a small white penis for the first time? I knew it – there are so many beautiful black people here to laugh at the white people.”
YouTube’s Titty Talk Show sent “our lady in the streets,” Bri’en Potter, pictured above and below, to interview contestants at the 2013 pageant:
Rip acquaintance Aleeya Michelle didn’t mince words after she evaluated his manhood on Skype:
“It is a puny white boy dick.”
“That is not a big pee-pee … that’s a pee.”
Seems only fair that since Aleeya had a look at Rip’s equipment, readers should have a look at hers:
Brokelyn writer-photographer Mary Dorn, above, covered the penis pageants in 2013 and 2014. Some excerpts from one of her stories:
And finally … it takes a special brand of woman to actually slide a ruler up alongside Rip’s dangling noodle.
Some guys might consider letting a woman measure their cock, take pictures of the humiliation, and then post the results for the entertainment of other women as rather a … shameful situation. Not Rip, who is philosophical: “If a lady is willing to get that up close and personal to my genitals and then play with them, photos are the price I’m willing to pay.”
Who prodded Rip with a ruler? Aimee Arciuolo, Cyndi Freeman, Amy Minnick, and Jaye M.
. Aimee Jaye
. Cyndi Amy
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