Nothing worse than a politician who fails to ease calms.
OK, well … ahem … about that whole “America’s Team” thing in last week’s post ….
I’ve only seen the first episodes of Counterpart and The Alienist, so it’s too soon to know if they’ll be worthwhile viewing. So let’s review them, anyway:
Counterpart on Starz is a science-fiction drama starring J.K. Simmons. It might be good if … it avoids the common sci-fi pitfall of letting its plot get too far-fetched. Humorous sci-fi can get by with that sort of thing; serious sci-fi, not so much.
The Alienist on TNT is a period drama about a serial killer in 1890s New York. It might be good if … it avoids the curse of too many period dramas that fall in love with the setting at the expense of a good story.
Let’s forget about government shutdowns and illegal immigration this week and instead celebrate football and the real America’s Team.
Click hereto watch the famous video again. And then watch it again. And again. (Unless you’re from New Orleans, in which case, never mind.)
And while we’re celebrating football, take a stroll down memory lane and savor this ancient photo of Kansas City quarterback Len Dawson enjoying a break in the action:
The plot owes a lot to The Silence of the Lambs, and you might well be able to guess the identity of the killer, but France’s La Mante is a well-made thriller that’s often gripping.
Who knew that former “Bond girl” Carole Bouquet could play such a fascinating serial killer? (By that way, that’s not a spoiler.)
Netflix cranks out tons of rotten horror movies. The Open House is not one of them. It’s no masterpiece (ignore its abysmal customer rating on IMDB), but I enjoyed the creepy atmosphere and an ending that conjured memories of the original Black Christmas.
Plus, actress Piercey Dalton contributes this shower scene to our Fanny Watch:
More evidence of the decline of Western civilization:
The media were aghast that an American president might utter the word “shithole” in a public forum. Classy Politico, for example, wouldn’t dream of exploiting such a vulgar term. From Politico’s Web site:
Sometimes I get hooked on a show simply because I am entranced by the main characters. It doesn’t matter if they’re robbing a bank, or reading quietly in the library; I just want to see what they’re up to.
Fortunately for viewers of The End of the F***ing World, a delightfully eccentric Netflix import from Britain, the show’s writers are more than capable of finding interesting things for teenage runaways James and Alyssa (pictured above) to do — things like shoplifting, car theft, and offing serial killers.
Sure, it’s contrived. But God help me, I am once again watching (and enjoying) the crazy geezers on Better Late than Never.
We’re thinking that the presdent of Fox Business Network should consider repatrating some funds to hire a proofreader. It’s something dimmocratic the could do.
I loathe that GEICO green lizard, but I’ll have to admit that a lot of the company’s other spots, like the sloth bit pictured above, make me chuckle.
Good lord, could Xfinity have found an athlete with less personal charisma than shuffling, mumble-mouthed bobsledder Elana Meyers Taylor, pictured above? Not “lookin’ good,” Elana.
What the hell is it with all of these weird-ass, sex-related confessions and rumors featuring Michael Douglas?
It’s tempting to write off Aval (English title: The House Next Door), India’s homage to Hollywood horror classics like The Exorcist. Much of the dialogue (a peculiar mix of Indian languages and English) and relationships evoke corny melodramas from the 1950s. At some point the story, in which a doctor and his wife learn that someone in their Himalayan neighborhood is possessed, stops making a lot of sense, and a few scenes are unintentionally funny.
However … there’s no question that several of director Milind Rau’s set pieces are chilling, with clever camerawork and stunning visuals. Also in its favor: the movie is consistently entertaining. Release: 2017 Grade: B+
A 12-year-old boy discovers that his oh-so-hot babysitter is actually a psychotic devil worshipper in this Netflix horror-comedy that starts out silly and grows progressively more ridiculous. But no worries: It’smeant to be silly, it’s well-produced, and it’s often amusing. Oh, and Samara Weaving gives a killer performance as the blonde from hell. Release: 2017 Grade: B+
Yes, and yes again. Trump and his Republican pals need to stop citing the fucking stock market when crowing about “the economy.”
Trump might be nuts, but CNN seems to be right there with him. Brooke Baldwin freaked out when a guy said “boobs” on her show, but on New Year’s Eve she boasted to a drunk Don Lemon that “my balls are bigger than your balls.”
Lemon, viewers might recall, once complimented Kathy Griffin on her “nice rack.” And then last week, we got CNN’s Randi Kaye laughing and fondling a pot-filled bong on live TV.
Brian Williams, when informed about Baldwin’s “big balls” declaration, assured anyone within earshot that his enormous testicles are listed in the Guinness World Records.
Let me see if I have this straight: Tobacco taxes go up every 15 minutes, but liquor taxes, which haven’t gone up in decades, are going down?
Mark Steyn and Sebastian Gorka: How are these not the same guy?
Formerly great show that is now merely a good show:
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Formerly great show that is still a great show:
Veteran character actor Paul Sorvino wants to pummel Harvey Weinstein for blacklisting Sorvino’s daughter, Mira.
The blacklisting makes no sense to us, either, because we took a look at Mira’s audition tape, presented below:
That’s Elizabeth Montgomery, circa 1963. You can’t tell me that Hollywood babes of that generation weren’t the bomb.
Horowitz’s double mystery is a lot of fun for fans of old-fashioned whodunits. It’s a clever book-within-a-book in which a literary editor investigates the suspicious death of her company’s most successful writer: an irascible cuss who wrote the wildly popular “Atticus Pund” mysteries.
For the most part, Horowitz (the original scriptwriter for TV’s Midsomer Murders) avoids common whodunit pitfalls like implausibility and cheating. The ease with which he links two seemingly unrelated crimes — one in “real” life and the other in the pages of a thriller — is also impressive.
I was able to predict the murderer of the cantankerous author. But I won’t boast because I was gobsmacked by the identity of the killer in the Pund portion of the book.
The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant may be no more, but original contestant Rip van Dinkle’s infamy was alive and well in 2017. Podcasters, radio hosts, and bloggers — most of them female — were happy to amuse themselves and their listeners/readers by pubicly publicly evaluating Rip and his tiny tool.
So what was it like to have his penis fall under the critical gaze of American women?
Do most women feel like conservative Tomi Lahren (below) when it comes to puny-peckered men like Rip?
Who’s Checking Out Rip’s Dinkle?
(Click on pictures for a larger view)
Celinda Appleby (above) co-hosts a podcast called The Spark. She set up an interview with Rip to discuss wee peckers. Fellow guest Shoshana (click audio, below) had a question for Rip about the pageant:
“Like, do you all whip it out and somebody takes a ruler? Do I get to eye your penis?”
Uhh, yes and yes, Shoshana. See pictures at the top and bottom of this post.
Kat Grudowski (above) is a Wisconsin filly who blogs at The Sex Kitten. Kat wasn’t at all hesitant to ask – and then share on her blog – the most intimate questions about Rip’s manhood, no matter how potentially embarrassing.
Says Rip: “I was a bit surprised by her article. Normally, when I do these interviews, the girl prints my stage name and is fairly positive in tone. But Kat pretty much took out her scalpel and castrated me in public, even mentioning my penis size down to the centimeter. I guess these millennial girls are so angry at older men right now that Kat couldn’t resist the opportunity to snip off my balls.
“It certainly wasn’t the first time a female blogger posted every embarrassing sexual detail about me. I got emasculated by Lizzi (click here)and Alicia (click here), too.”
From Kat’s post on The Sex Kitten:
On a scale of one to ten, one being smallest and ten being biggest, where would Kat put Rip’s manhood? That’s Rip on the left in the picture below.
August McLaughlin, a fellow Minnesotan now living in Los Angeles, seemed disappointed to learn that the small-penis pageant wasn’t entirely an “anti-body shaming” event. That didn’t stop August from giggling about “dinky winkies” as she introduced Rip on her podcast:
“If you [listeners] have engaged in some dinky winkie, did you actually think it was funny?”
Rip: “She’s a Minnesota girl, so she’s probably seen her share of shriveled cocks.”
Here is August discussing small cocks with Rip:
The Practical Joke
Years before the small-penis pageant, Rip had some fun at the expense of local radio personality Kevyn Burger. Using the alias of a spurned ex named “Maggie,” Rip e-mailed Burger about a (fake) Web site in which “Maggie” had posted naked pictures of her ex (Rip in a hot tub).
Rip: “If ever there was a ‘mom’ radio show, this was it. I think Kevyn and her friends were genuinely shocked at the sight of my bone at half-mast. Speaking of which … I’m a grower, not a shower, so that partial erection is atypical.
“I e-mailed Burger after the show, using another fake profile and pretending to be a woman hoping to see the nude pictures. Burger said she couldn’t forward the link but assured me the photos were ‘choice.’”
Click below to hear the segment on FM107 in which Kevyn and two gal pals discuss Rip’s nude pictures:
Kevyn Burger: “So I click on it [the link] and hello — there he was in all his glory, and I was just blushing and clicked away.”
Above, the photo that made Burger blush (from the shoulders down, that is)
KB: “Is this humiliating for a guy, to be pictured naked on the Internet?”
KB: “Well, the picture of this guy on the Web site, I forwarded it to you ladies –”
Gal Pals: “Yes!”
Gal Pal 2: “I just about died.”
KB: “He looks pretty proud.”
Gal Pal 2: “He’s wearing himself a big old smile.”
KB: “And nothing else!”
Gal Pal 1: “And nothing else.”
Gal Pal 2: “Just his birthday suit.”
KB: “I don’t know if he’s exactly identified.”
Gal Pal 2: “We see everything else.” (laughter)
Gal Pal 1: “I think we can see the identifying marks.”
Podcasters Rachel Khona and Abbi Stern, pictured above at the 2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant, interviewed Rip for their podcast Have You Seen My Panties? Click below to hear the interview:
Rip was interviewed by Zoe Lillian (above right) and Nicoletta Heidegger (above left) for their podcast, Sluts & Scholars.
Zoe got right to the point: “How small is your dick?” she asked Rip.
About 1.5 inches, Rip revealed.
Zoe told Rip that she researched him on the Internet, and was “aghast” by the negative comments she read about him and other men with wee willies:
“A lot of women [were] shaming Rip for his small dick, saying like, ‘I couldn’t feel that even if it were inside me,’ or, ‘It would be like a finger … how on earth dare you be OK with your small penis?’”
Zoe went on to interpret society’s attitude toward men with small cocks:
“The penis is the epitome of maleness, and the more male you are, the bigger your dick is. We as a society are bombarded with imagery of women deriving pleasure from deep penile thrusting,” Zoe said.
Imagery like the scene below from Any Given Sunday, in which Cameron Diaz eyeballs a big black cock in the locker room:
Zoe continued: “I once had sex with a man who had a really small penis and he was, um, kind of apologetic about it. So he just spent a really long time going down on me. And I didn’t really feel the need to be like, ‘I would rather you do this anyway.’”
Says Rip: “Zoe Lillian gave me erections twice. First, when I watched her juicy booty swivel back and forth in the video (below), and again when she accidentally sent me an e-mail intended for Heidegger. She seemed quite excited about talking to a guy with a small wiener.”
Nicoletta Heidegger, above, told Rip: “We will show your dick [on social media]. Because we think it’s important.”
Below, Nicoletta (left) and Zoe (right) contemplate sex with Rip’s small pecker. Just kidding. We have no idea what they’re doing. Below the pictures, more random comments from the podcast.
“Most of the [female pageant] attendees, in your experience … come for the freak show aspect of it, to laugh at it, to shame, to mock? That’s OK with you?”
“I don’t know what’s longer, your dick beard or your face beard.”
“Once you were there and you saw people were taking pictures, how do you feel knowing that there are pictures of you out there? Do you like it? Does it turn you on? Are you worried about your job?”
“They [Rip’s nieces] saw your dick pics. That is the name of this episode: ‘Uncle Rip’s Wiener.’”
One happy side effect of Rip’s interview on Sluts & Scholars: The show’s promotonal Tweet was retweeted by one of Rip’s favorites – 1980s porn queen Nina Hartley, pictured below.
Listen to the full podcast below:
Recently divorced Marlena (above) is a Chicago preschool teacher who blogs at Modern & Blissful. Marlena, like fellow Midwesterner Kat, wasn’t bashful when it came to prying personal, sexual information out of Rip. Some examples:
Marlena: How many women have you had sex with?
Marlena: Do you prefer vaginal or oral sex?
Marlena: How wide is your penis?
Marlena: Do condoms impact your ability to maintain erections and cum?
Marlena: How does having a small penis affect your life?
Rip: Some women actually prefer a small sex organ to a very large one.
Marlena: I can attest to that! Huge dicks can be painful during extra penetrating positions such as doggie style.
Marlena: Would you ever consider becoming a porn star?
Rip got excited after discussing doggie-style sex, oral sex, masturbation, and spread buttocks, so he decided to hit on Marlena. Alas, she informed Rip that she was “taken” and not into guys with “long beards.” Oh, well.
Rip attempted to renew his acquaintance with local news anchor Liz (that’s her on the right in the picture above, posing with Rip and another news girl), suggesting to Liz on Facebook that some nude sunbathing might be in order.
Readers might recall that when Rip first met Liz, she learned of his participation in the small penis pageant and was quite impressed.
After that, one of two things happened: Either Rip put his dinghy in the anchor (see below), or someone spent some time with Photo Shop.
“I hooked up with some of the college football players living in my apartment building … it was fun.” — Jaye, the model who fingered Rip’s prick
“I’ve had numerous hookups with guys I never dated … these guys are typically hot. A few months ago, I hooked up with some of the college football players living in my apartment building … they’re all hot 18-year-old guys so it was fun.” — Jaye’s post on Facebook
You provide the players, Jaye provides the end zone
Photo (Shop) Fun!
Kat dangles her panties in front of Rip, who can only enjoy the view
Rachel doesn’t like little cocks; Rip can only fantasize
Rip’s dinghy approaches the anchor
Above, Rip. Below left, certainly not Rip. Below right, not Rip but probably could be.
“The great thing about Netflix right now is that it’s like a catapult, because they just want content and lots of it. Do they care so much about the quality? Less about it, and they should keep their eye on that.” – director Ridley Scott
So, so many of the movies on Netflix suck. Netflix’s acquisitions team doesn’t seem to care if you shot a found-footage thriller in two hours on an iPhone in your back yard, they just want to air it.
The real reason to subscribe to Netflix is to discover gems that would have been unavailable 15 years ago – especially foreign movies and series. Like La Casa de Papel (pictured above and below), an exciting new series from Spain. It’s a bit like Die Hard, but with empathy for the bad guys and the good guys.
It’s a cops-and-robbers show with an implausible plot, but paced and directed with such pizzazz that you don’t really care.
It’s December 30, 2017, and I am two-thirds through Magpie Murders, and I hereby make the following prediction: Charles Clover is guilty of one of the murders.
I live in a state (Minnesota) where some people boast that they enjoy the cold weather. These people are either a) bundled under so many layers of clothing that they are “outdoors” in theory only, or b) lying.
I wouldn’t worry about terrorism if I was one of the fools braving cold temperatures to celebrate the New Year in Times Square. Studies have shown that when the weather is cold enough, even criminals tend to stay home. No, I wouldn’t worry about bombs. I’d worry about my mental health.
I don’t know if it’s the insane political atmosphere of 2017, or if I’m just getting old, but lately I’ve been drawn to conspiracy-theory shows. Shows like Wormwood (CIA shenanigans), 911: Truth, Lies and Conspiracies (“truthers”) and Unacknowledged (UFOs and aliens and pretty much everything else you can think of).
Just remember: It’s true that you’re not paranoid if they really are out to get you.
She is a beauty. We’re looking forward to seeing the nude pictures once they hit the Internet.