Griping as the World Comes to an End
Thanks to this damned coronavirus, I am subjected on a daily basis to news pundits and politicians mispronouncing two simple words. Both words appear in the following sentence: “In an effort to combat the nasty virus that is spreading throughout the world, health experts are advising everyone to wash their hands so that they do not contract it.”
You comBAT coronavirus; you don’t COMbat it. You might conTRACT it; you don’t CONtract it.
Problem is, you can’t discuss the crisis without at some point using at least one of these words.
I am looking at you, Mike Pence.
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Whatever happens in the coming months, we must all agree to bail out the airline and cruise industries, professional sports teams, and other wealthy businesses before we even think of helping individual citizens.
We must also ensure that our highest priority during this trial is to assuage Wall Street because – and I coined this phrase myself, but feel free to use it – if there is one thing Wall Street dislikes, it’s uncertainty.
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Because virus fear is making everyone stupid, I feel I must point out that the above comments about bailing out the rich are sarcastic. I don’t really mean it.
But it will probably happen, anyway.
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This “social distancing” business is going to be a real pain in the ass for people like me.
I live in an apartment building, and I generally start out my mornings in the same way: I enjoy a cup of coffee, then I walk down the hallway, knocking on my neighbors’ doors and asking if anyone would care to have sex with me.
Typically, I will then have sex with three or four people before continuing with my day.
But now I am supposed to keep six feet away from the neighbors? Sad.
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Again, because everyone is now stupid, I must point out that the above comments about boinking my neighbors is me just kidding.
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I received an email from my cable company informing me that it is doing everything possible to ensure that I can still watch TV.
That’s the really important thing.
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Some good news: Everyone in Congress is at least 60 years old. So they are not likely to dilly-dally over battling this virus, which primarily targets the elderly.
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It is politically incorrect to criticize China.
Fuck you, China.
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You can have a president with a nasty personality. You can have a president who is a socialist. But you cannot have a president who, thinking he is pressing a button for room service, is instead pressing a button for the nuclear codes.
I am looking at you, Joe Biden.
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Self-Isolated with My Twitter Feed
Leggy females on cable news are many things, but I don’t usually associate them with great wit or humor. That’s why I was surprised to see this Tweet from Fox’s Gillian Turner:
But then came the explanation:
More Stupid People
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This dude Fauci (above) seems to have his shit together. I tend to trust him.
I suppose that now that we are looking to him for reassurance, he will become embroiled in some scandal involving a male prostitute in a hotel room.
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If some jerk with Photoshop can do this to a picture of Maria Sharapova, he can do it to anyone.
And so, if you see a photo of me naked on the Web and my penis is small and shriveled, rest assured it was doctored by some Internet creep. If, on the other hand, you should see a naked photo of me and my penis is large and handsome, that would be the real deal.
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