Monthly Archives: January 2019

 

From the Department of Life Isn’t Fair

 

Bradley Cooper gets to go home and tap this fanny every night:

 

 

I get to go home and tap myself while looking at pictures of this fanny.

Life isn’t fair.*

 

*

 

Art of the Deal

 

How’s this for a win-win deal?

Louis C.K. agrees to shut up and go away for five years, which should please the left, but only if Kathy Griffin agrees to shut up and go away for five years, which should please the right.

 

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Cave Man?

 

After apparently caving on the partial government shutdown, Donald Trump seems to be having a bad week. Some in the media are saying this is the beginning of his end.

Well, we’ve heard that song before, many times. My guess is that now it’s Trump’s turn. He will come up with something to cheer his base and infuriate his foes, because that’s what Trump does.

 

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Mueller’s Problem …

 

… is that Washington is full of scoundrels – on both sides. As long as he continues to go solely after Trump allies and lets the other side skate, our long national nightmare will persist.

Lock them all up.

 

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I watch cable news and become more and more convinced that we’re on the verge of a civil war.

Then I go to work, or to Target, or to the grocery store, and I look at people and I think, “Nah. These folks don’t seem in the mood for a civil war.”

 

**

 

For some reason, Jets fans are concerned about the physical appearance of their new head coach:

 

 

* Unless of course the rumors are true and one of them is gay and the relationship is a sham in which case, never mind.

 

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Infrastructure!

 

 

The eternal question: “Is there anything that Republicans and Democrats can agree about?”

The eternal answer: “Oh, sure. Infrastructure.”

 

It’s easy to see why this is the case. Infrastructure is sexy (see photo above). Infrastructure is just the kind of thing that feuding Americans can rally around, because it stirs strong feelings of patriotism, of what it truly means to be an American.

 

I propose that we establish National Infrastructure Day.

So let’s have a toast to infrastructure!

 

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TV Updates

 

Perfume on Netflix –

It’s creepy and strange but very well-made and absorbing. Most of all, it feels … “foreign.”

That’s what worries me about all of these countries partnering with Netflix to produce content for the streaming service. I’m afraid that in order to reach a broader audience, they will feel pressure to “go Hollywood.”  I want them to remain strange and “foreign.”

Below, Natalia Belitski and friend doing creepy and strange in Germany’s Perfume.

 

 

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Annihilation on the Epix free preview –

For about two-thirds of its run-time, Annihilation feels like director/writer Alex Garland has watched The Thing and/or Invasion of the Body Snatchers too many times. It’s very familiar stuff, just with chicks instead of dudes.

But Garland redeems himself in the final 20 minutes or so, in which he pours on some movie-making razzle-dazzle (including a killer soundtrack) and dishes up something to provoke the thoughts. It’s not 2001: A Space Odyssey, but it’s good enough to raise my grade from a B to a solid B+.

 

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Here’s a question for Gillette, which made waves last week with a commercial attacking “toxic masculinity”: Have you ever seen a gathering of tipsy females at a bachelorette party?

 

 

 

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I’m thinking it might be time to hand the world back to high-school jocks. This “revenge of the nerds” thing isn’t working out so well.

 

Exhibit A:  I am watching Surviving R. Kelly on Lifetime, and it seems that the quiet, nerdish kid (above right) who grew up to become a powerful music mogul (above left) is … not well.

 

Exhibit B:  Geeky Mark Zuckerberg, who grew up to become an evil genius.

 

Sadly, the nerds don’t handle power well once they get it.

At least the jerk jocks have early experience with power and jerkdom, so they’re better at it once they reach adulthood. Plus, they have always been jerk jocks, so the rest of us have learned how to keep them in line.

 

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Tulsi Gabbard:  Good-looking babe, but not enough personality.

 

 

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:  Good-looking babe, but too much personality.

 

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That fake photo of “Ocasio-Cortez” in the bathtub – if you zoom in on the faucet, you can clearly see that the person in the tub is George Bush.

 

 

 

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The Disaster Artist is a decent movie, but if you haven’t seen the “disaster” that inspired it, director Tommy Wiseau’s The Room, be sure to watch that one first.

 

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Editor’s Note:  Evidently our leaders are setting new norms and standards for the country’s political discourse.

Far be it from us to ignore the signals from our betters in Washington, D.C.  In that spirit, please enjoy our new style guidelines for The Weekly Review:

 

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I don’t understand how Sean Hannity is considered the top dog at Fox News. Hannity often strikes me as an oblivious knee-bender.

To me, the top asshole at Fox is Tucker Carlson, despite the doltish deer-in-the-headlights facial expression he adopts while listening to his guests. Unlike Hannity, Carlson is smart enough to know which hot-buttons to push.

There’s a good reason that those motherfucking liberal activists showed up at Carlson’s house in the middle of the night, and then tried so hard to get bullshitting advertisers to abandon his show. They recognize that jerk-off Carlson, unlike shithead Hannity, is an intellectual threat.

 

Above, Fox host Tucker Carlson dancing with some bitch

 

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Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like if I was a Muslim congresswoman in a country with millions of citizens who are on the fence whether or not to feel well-disposed toward my religion, I might not consider it a great idea to insult the president of the United States by calling him a “motherfucker.”

 

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On the bright side for Democrats, this fuckwad congresswoman from Michigan makes previous lightning rod Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez seem like motherfucking Miss Manners.

 

Above, cunt-licker Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dancing with some jackass

 

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Tiresome metaphor I keep hearing: “If you’re a hammer, everything’s a nail.”

I beg to differ. In my limited experience with carpentry, when given the choice, hammers invariably prefer my thumb to cocksucking nails.

 

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That’s our lame-ass Review for this week. We hope you enjoyed our new format, and we hope to see you pathetic blowjobbers again next week.

 

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Game Night

 

These days, Hollywood has a difficult time making what used to be called the “screwball comedy.” In the past, screwball characters were lovably goofy as they bumbled and stumbled through silly plots. Think Bringing Up Baby. Today, the main characters in this kind of farce aren’t merely goofy; they tend to be borderline psychotic.

Still, the nut jobs in Game Night — a group of clueless suburbanites obsessed with party games — are fairly amusing, and their dialogue is often witty. And if there’s a better character actor out there than Jesse Plemons (Breaking Bad, Fargo, Black Mirror), I’d like to know who it is. Release: 2018 Grade: B

 

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Murder on the Orient Express

 

I like actor Kenneth Branagh, but he isn’t my favorite “Hercule Poirot.” That would be David Suchet. And I enjoyed director Branagh’s Murder on the Orient Express, but it isn’t my favorite interpretation of Agatha Christie’s famous mystery. That would be Suchet’s television version or, possibly, the 1974 movie with Albert Finney. 

Outside of some spectacular (often computer-generated) scenery, the latest film doesn’t offer much new, but so what? Some stories are like comfort food; no matter how many times you’ve had it, and as long as they don’t change the ingredients, eventually you come back for more.  Release: 2017 Grade: B

 

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In which we bring you gorgeous starlets from the past, nude or semi-nude – hey, this new feature was Rip van Dinkle’s idea. He wanted to call this category “Party in Your Pants,” but we held firm for something classier.

 

Deborah Voorhees

 

 

I am befuddled by actresses who claim to be befuddled by the effects of their nude scenes. They are, apparently, either ignorant of, or disingenuous about, the basics of human nature – at least as it applies to the heterosexual male. If their bare skin provokes naughty thoughts in the male audience, well, then it’s the fault of the male audience. OK, fine. That may be true.

The phenomenon is called lust, and it’s not always pretty. But, as the cliché goes, it is what it is. The heart wants what it wants – and so does the penis.

And so we have former starlet Deborah Voorhees, aka Debi Sue Voorhees, aka Deborah Bradley, aka “Tina” the naked nymphet from Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning, who in recent interviews details the aftermath of her short movie career inasmuch as it led to her firings from two high-school teaching jobs. Voorhees says it’s a “weird world,” and that she didn’t expect her bare-naked exposure to become an issue in the classroom.

Evidently a roomful of horny teenage boys, fresh from watching their teacher roll in the hay in the nude on their high-definition TVs, should be able to banish lustful thoughts. “Stop staring at my tits, boys!”

 

 

The Grouch certainly knows about lustful thoughts when it comes to Deborah Voorhees. He wrote about his encounter with her back in the early 1990s when they both worked for the same company.

Deborah read Grouch’s article and was quite pleased with it:

 

 

And in a recent podcast interview, she was still talking about Grouch’s article … at least, we think she was still talking about it:

 

 

About ten years before Grouch and Deborah shared that elevator in Ft. Worth, when she was just 19, Deborah (Debi Sue?) wanted to be in Playboy or in the movies. Playboy lost. But now we have her audition photos: 

 

 

She didn’t make it into the pages of Playboy, but she was a bunny at Hugh Hefner’s Dallas club (above).

 

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The Starlet Years

 

 

Deborah did land a part in the popular TV series Dallas (above), but mostly she appeared in low-budget thrillers like Appointment with Fear and Innocent Prey, in which she appeared on screen just long enough to take her clothes off and/or do sex scenes.

 

 

 

Lord knows who had the bright idea to put this gorgeous girl in granny panties, but if anyone could pull it off, it was Deborah.

 

 

The video clip:

 

 

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The video:

 

 

Last but in no way least, we have the awful Friday the 13th entry that made Deborah a cult-movie legend. Director Danny Steinmann, a veteran of hard-core porn films, was lucky enough to be given young Deborah to play with in Part V. Although the infamous nude scene begins post-coitus, we have to wonder what might have been left on the cutting-room floor.

From a GQ story about the film:  “Director Danny Steinmann, who never shot another movie after Part V, has different regrets about the movie: ‘I shot a fucking porno in the woods there,’ he recalls. ‘You wouldn’t believe the nudity they cut out.’” 

It could not have been easy for young Deborah, hoping to make it in Hollywood, to find herself on her first day of shooting doing a nude sex scene in front of 50 crew members while her director, hard-core-porn pro Steinmann, barked instructions.

In the clip below from the documentary Crystal Lake Memories, Deborah, co-star John Robert Dixon, and editor Bruce Green discuss what Deborah calls her Friday “love scene” and the men describe as, well, according to Green: “It was like a porn film.”

 

Hmmm. Considering the butt-pounding Deborah took in Innocent Prey (see above), you do have to wonder if someday we might see a “director’s cut” of her Friday frolic.

 

 

 

“In the background is the director yelling, ‘C’mon, fuck her! Fuck her! Fuck her harder! C’mon, c’mon grab her tits! Grab her pussy! Grab her ass!’” – editor Bruce Green

 

 

The video:

 

 

Rip’s Ranking:

 

                                   

 

“I’d go higher but, from what I can tell, she never went full-frontal – although if you look very, very carefully, there could be a glimpse between her legs in that Friday scene, when she lies back in the field and the camera pans down. Is that her pussy? Of course, I would never analyze the scene like that. It’s just something someone told me.”

 

Click here for Deborah Voorhees’s IMDB page.

 

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