Monthly Archives: July 2012

Anderson Cooper cycles around Manhattan         Lemon

 

Anderson Cooper, above left, finally came out of the closet and, with any luck, that will be the end of it.  I don’t think I can stomach it if Cooper decides to pull a Don Lemon (above right), bouncing excitedly from talk show to talk show, rejoicing in his gayness.  Lemon’s embarrassing display reminded me of Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch, declaring his love for Katie Holmes.

 

*****

 

TomKat

 

Speaking of Tom and Katie … Us Weekly reports that “Cruise refused to let Holmes sign on for films with ‘sexually compromising scenes, largely because the Scientology folks objected.’”  I wonder what Tom and his nutball pals think of Katie’s topless appearance in The Gift.  Here is a picture from that movie, just to piss off the Scientologists:

 

Katie

 

*****

 

Griffith

 

Lots of nostalgia this week about The Andy Griffith Show, and I feel certain that none of us will ever forget Andy’s finest moment on the big screen — the blowjob scene from 2009’s Play the Game (above).

 

*****

 

Kaku

 

“Scientists are excited” … but nobody else is.  For a bunch of smart people, these scientists never seem to get it.  They don’t (or won’t) understand that every time they discover a smaller particle, a farther galaxy, a funkier theory, they still can’t answer the only question that really interests most of us:  What (or who) began everything?

It doesn’t help when scientists like Michio Kaku (above), the Asian dude who pops up everywhere, talk down to the public as if we are third-graders.  There’s a difference between making science accessible and being condescending.

 

*****

 

Quote of the Week

 

“And a tragedy on the president’s bus tour.  A woman dies just an hour and a half after the president eats at her restaurant.” — Wolf Blitzer on CNN.  Sad news, but I suppose it’s better than the president dying just an hour and a half after eating at her restaurant.

 

*****

 

And finally, here is Katie again, just to piss off the Scientologists:

 

Boobs

 

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Worst

 

Not long ago I watched The Room, quite possibly the worst movie I’ve ever seen – but in a unique way:  It truly was so bad that it was “good.”  Other people will tell you that I’m mistaken, that the worst movie ever made is in fact Troll 2, a low-budget mess released in 1990.  That movie was so god-awful that they made a documentary about it.  But guess what?  The documentary itself is an absolute delight.  Watch the doc, Best Worst Movie, for free by clicking here, or read my review by clicking here.

 

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Grave

 

Shallow Grave     Three Edinburgh roommates (excuse me, “flatmates”) advertise for a fourth — and wind up with a suitcase full of money and a dead man in the house.  Director Danny Boyle’s film is clever and unpredictable, but not particularly suspenseful.  That’s because the leads are all so unsympathetic that, really, it’s hard to much care what happens to them.  Release:  1994  Grade:  B

 

*****

                              Artist3

 

The Artist     A valentine to old Hollywood — and not just silent movies, but that whole era comprising “the way they used to make ’em.”  If you’ve seen A Star Is Born or Sunset Boulevard, then the basic storyline will be familiar, but who cares when it’s this well done?  And kudos to a Jack Russell terrier named Uggie.   Says a (subtitled) cop:  “I’ll say one thing, he [the film’s hero] owes his life to that dog!”  The filmmakers might owe a Best Picture Oscar to that dog.  Release:  2011  Grade:  A

 

*****

                                                  Robber

 

The Robber     An ex-con finds that life on the outside is better when he runs marathon races, bangs a social worker … and robs banks.  The robberies and chases, when they come, are exciting, but for a movie about bank heists and running, too much of The Robber moves at a snail’s pace.  Compounding the funereal tone of the film is a romance between our bad-guy hero (Andreas Lust) and his girlfriend (Franziska Weisz), both of whom exude all the heat and passion of an Austrian winter.  Release:  2010  Grade:  C+

 

*****

 

Illusionist

 

The Illusionist     Proving that animated films aren’t just for kids, this whimsical ode to fatherhood is gorgeous and, yes, sentimental, but not overly so.  Based on an unproduced script by legendary French comic Jacques Tati, the story concerns a down-on-his-luck magician whose travels through Europe in 1959 land him an unexpected ward:  a doe-eyed Scottish lass named Alice.  It’s a quiet movie, nearly silent, but its striking images and simple story might leave you believing that magic exists, after all.  Release:  2010  Grade:  B+

 

*****

 

Cronos

 

Cronos     On the plus side, Guillermo del Toro’s debut feature is visually arresting and boasts a few memorable scenes.  But the movie’s story, in which an antiques dealer and his young granddaughter share a secret about a magical artifact, is paper-thin.  The result is fantasy that’s moderately absorbing, but never scary and not nearly as touching as it wants to be.  Release:  1993  Grade:  B-

 

*****

 

Evil

 

Evil Dead II     OK, so maybe you have to be “in the mood” for it, but if you are, Sam Raimi’s sequel to The Evil Dead is about as close as Hollywood ever got to a live-action Looney Tune, melding horror and slapstick with an emphasis on laughs.  And if they gave out Oscars for performances in low-budget splatter flicks, lantern-jawed Bruce Campbell would be a shoo-in.  Campbell’s priceless mugging, Raimi’s frenetic camerawork, and some hilariously hokey special effects ensure that this is still the best “cabin in the woods” movie ever made.  Release:  1987  Grade:  B+   

 

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