How to Make a Movie That Will Alienate Men
- Your story should be about a woman (Michelle Williams) who is torn between two lovers: a solid-but-dull husband (Seth Rogen), and an unattached male model– er, “artist” (Luke Kirby), living next door.
- To antagonize the straight males in your audience, make sure that both the husband and the lover boy have annoying and/or ludicrous personal traits, so that we don’t want to identify with either of them. For example, depict the husband as a man-child who enjoys speaking baby talk to his wife and whose idea of foreplay is similar to that of Little Billy Brat back in third grade, the kid who enjoyed pulling girls’ pigtails.
- Include a scene in which women receive “aqua fitness” instruction from a Richard Simmons wannabe.
- Just to be mean, include a shower scene in which Williams and sexy comedienne Sarah Silverman are completely nude, and then — just when you finally have the attention of your male audience — sabotage the whole thing by tossing in full-frontal nudity by a group of elderly, obese actresses.
- Create a cute, cloying occupation for the moon-faced lover boy. Lover boy is an artist and therefore must be “sensitive.” But he must also eat. To put vittles on his plate, give lover boy a part-time job — hauling a rickshaw. In Toronto. In Canada.
- Include pretty pictures of things like lighthouses, sunsets, and painted toenails. Especially the painted toenails.
- Include dialogue like this: “Sometimes I’m walking along the street, and a shaft of sunlight falls in a certain way across the pavement, and I just wanna cry.”
- Or like this: “I just kissed the top of your head, ever so gently, and then I kissed your eyelids and they fluttered underneath my lips … just a little.”
- Include not one, but two scenes in which the wife — apparently as a test to find out how much her two men love her — sits down on a toilet and pees in their presence. In the only instance in this movie in which both males display good sense, they both walk out on her.
I didn’t say much about the plot. Williams’s young wife feels trapped after just five years in her marriage to loyal puppy Rogen. Will they live happily ever after, or will life interfere?
Hold on … that was also the plot of Williams’s 2010 film, Blue Valentine. Blue Valentine was a great movie about a young couple going through a dreadful time. Take This Waltz is a dreadful movie about a young couple (and heterosexual men in the audience) going through a dreadful time. Grade: D+
Director: Sarah Polley Cast: Seth Rogen, Michelle Williams, Sarah Silverman, Jennifer Podemski, Luke Kirby, Aaron Abrams, Vanessa Coelho, Graham Abbey Release: 2012
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